Epiphany

Image by Ulleo

Life as an adult is all about the choices you make. While I intuitively understood this to be true, seventeen years ago, I hadn't taken it to heart. Until one year, my husband's parents invited us once again to a vacation in Canada. I loved going to Ontario, hiking in Algonquin Park, showing my kids around Combermere, and relaxing near a gorgeous lake. 

    However, that year my sister-in-law and her husband were coming. That wasn't an issue in and of itself. The issue, I later discovered, was my reaction to them being there. I've always been a people pleaser. I want people to like me and in trying to worm my way into their hearts I'll bend over backwards sometimes to please them. They may not see my efforts, but in my mind, I was going out of my way to show them I cared.

    I had two children under age six. A husband that wanted to fish with his dad, leaving me alone with my in-laws and my babies. First issue, our family of four was put in the smallest cabin with no fans. The thought was we would want to have privacy. However, my kids were hot. I was hot. They didn't sleep. I didn't sleep. And all the grown ups were in the larger cabin where all the box fans were. [Eventually, they did get us a box fan.] 

    Because no one wanted to cook the entire week — and shouldn't have to — we decided to take turns. Enter problem #2. Two of the grown ups were vegetarians. Vegetarians that didn't bend. All other members of the family, my mother and father-in-law, my husband, both my kids, and myself were typical omnivores. That meant, as I understood it, every meal we would have wouldn't have meat. And I would need to cook something the vegetarians liked. My first and largest mistake. 

    All week I fretted about what I could make for them — the two, forty-something adults. Should I marinate portabella mushrooms and grill them? Maybe a nice spaghetti with marinara? Or perhaps I could... and that is how I spent my vacation. Do you know what happens when you focus on a task and a task that you aren't looking forward to doing? That's right. You get angry. You get stressed.

    When it came time for us to buy what we needed to make dinner, my husband and I drove into Combermere and all the way there I mulled over what we should buy for them. The more I pondered the options, the angrier I got. It all became too complicated. In the tiny grocery store, I stormed through the aisles looking at salad, mushrooms, and then pasta, and then pizza, and then veggie burgers. I wound myself into a tight tizzy and when we got into the car...I exploded.

    All the frustration I'd created and bottled up tumbled out of my mouth. "Why aren't they cooking their own meals? They're adults! We have two children and is anyone catering them? Is anyone making sure they will enjoy dinner? No! No one—" And that's when it hit me!

    Who was responsible for making sure my kids had something they liked to eat? Where should my focus be? Who told me I had to cater to two adult vegetarians? All I was asked to do was to make dinner for two nights. Why was I going out of my way to try to impress two adults that had no intention of making it easy on anyone else? Scratch that. Why was I trying to impress anyone? 

    Because I chose to. Period. Full stop. No one made me. No one said I must. Through my own volition, I decided to ignore my children and focus on two adults. 

NEW PLAN!

Back to the store! We bought hamburgers and hot dogs for all of the omnivores! My kids both loved those and so did my meat-eating in-laws. Veggie burgers for the vegetarians. French Fries and a green veggie as sides or maybe some watermelon, which everyone liked. 

    The moment I made the choice to focus on my kids and myself and not put self-imposed pressure to receive approval from my sister and brother-in-law, the stress vanished. It was as if worrying about whether they'd like what I cooked blocked me from seeing solutions that could accommodate everyone. 

    This epiphany took years to take hold, but once it did, I understood that doing something —anything—for the wrong reasons would have bad results. Bad results for myself and bad results for the other person/people. That doesn't mean I never do things I prefer not to do. It means, if I have a choice, I need to choose that which works for me. Because what happens when we choose to do those things we absolutely don't want to do and don't have to do? We do them because we think it's the right thing to do. It's what Mom would want. It's what Jesus would do. It'll make him/her happy. All of those reactions are outside of our purview, our control. Do we really know Mom would want us to do XYZ? What if we do it and she/he isn't happy? The right thing to do on what basis, whose basis? We can't control the reaction others will have to our decisions. The only reaction and the only action we CAN control is our own. 

    And so the next time I had a choice to make, and I felt internal strife bubble up, I asked myself, WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?  

For example, my father asked if I was coming up for a holiday, which would be a five-six hour drive one-way. 

My decision process: 

• Do I want to see him? Yes. 
• Do I want my children to see him? Yes. 
• Do I want to drive 12 hours, round-trip? No. 
• Do I want to spend over $150 on a hotel? No. 
• Do I want to spend $100+ on gas? No. 
• Will I be angry if I go? Maybe. 👈[That should be a definite, NO, if I was to drive there.]

ANSWER: "No, I can't drive up. Would love to see you and spend time with you, but maybe another time." 

Learn from my mistake(s). Check how you feel about your decision before you make it. Decide based on your life, your needs, your wants. Of course, there will be times you must do something you don't want to do. That's life. Going to class✔ Paying rent✔ Paying your taxes✔ etc... But many other events in our lives are choices. And sometimes those choices are done because we know it's the right thing to do, want to do, and will be proud of ourselves for following through. And sometimes we may make a choice we think was right, but then feel the weight of the consequences and the shame. That's all right. Learn from it. Apologize if you need to. Then, move on and don't make that mistake again. Either way, they are your choices.

Cheers!