Epiphany

Image by Ulleo

Life as an adult is all about the choices you make. While I intuitively understood this to be true, seventeen years ago, I hadn't taken it to heart. Until one year, my husband's parents invited us once again to a vacation in Canada. I loved going to Ontario, hiking in Algonquin Park, showing my kids around Combermere, and relaxing near a gorgeous lake. 

    However, that year my sister-in-law and her husband were coming. That wasn't an issue in and of itself. The issue, I later discovered, was my reaction to them being there. I've always been a people pleaser. I want people to like me and in trying to worm my way into their hearts I'll bend over backwards sometimes to please them. They may not see my efforts, but in my mind, I was going out of my way to show them I cared.

    I had two children under age six. A husband that wanted to fish with his dad, leaving me alone with my in-laws and my babies. First issue, our family of four was put in the smallest cabin with no fans. The thought was we would want to have privacy. However, my kids were hot. I was hot. They didn't sleep. I didn't sleep. And all the grown ups were in the larger cabin where all the box fans were. [Eventually, they did get us a box fan.] 

    Because no one wanted to cook the entire week — and shouldn't have to — we decided to take turns. Enter problem #2. Two of the grown ups were vegetarians. Vegetarians that didn't bend. All other members of the family, my mother and father-in-law, my husband, both my kids, and myself were typical omnivores. That meant, as I understood it, every meal we would have wouldn't have meat. And I would need to cook something the vegetarians liked. My first and largest mistake. 

    All week I fretted about what I could make for them — the two, forty-something adults. Should I marinate portabella mushrooms and grill them? Maybe a nice spaghetti with marinara? Or perhaps I could... and that is how I spent my vacation. Do you know what happens when you focus on a task and a task that you aren't looking forward to doing? That's right. You get angry. You get stressed.

    When it came time for us to buy what we needed to make dinner, my husband and I drove into Combermere and all the way there I mulled over what we should buy for them. The more I pondered the options, the angrier I got. It all became too complicated. In the tiny grocery store, I stormed through the aisles looking at salad, mushrooms, and then pasta, and then pizza, and then veggie burgers. I wound myself into a tight tizzy and when we got into the car...I exploded.

    All the frustration I'd created and bottled up tumbled out of my mouth. "Why aren't they cooking their own meals? They're adults! We have two children and is anyone catering them? Is anyone making sure they will enjoy dinner? No! No one—" And that's when it hit me!

    Who was responsible for making sure my kids had something they liked to eat? Where should my focus be? Who told me I had to cater to two adult vegetarians? All I was asked to do was to make dinner for two nights. Why was I going out of my way to try to impress two adults that had no intention of making it easy on anyone else? Scratch that. Why was I trying to impress anyone? 

    Because I chose to. Period. Full stop. No one made me. No one said I must. Through my own volition, I decided to ignore my children and focus on two adults. 

NEW PLAN!

Back to the store! We bought hamburgers and hot dogs for all of the omnivores! My kids both loved those and so did my meat-eating in-laws. Veggie burgers for the vegetarians. French Fries and a green veggie as sides or maybe some watermelon, which everyone liked. 

    The moment I made the choice to focus on my kids and myself and not put self-imposed pressure to receive approval from my sister and brother-in-law, the stress vanished. It was as if worrying about whether they'd like what I cooked blocked me from seeing solutions that could accommodate everyone. 

    This epiphany took years to take hold, but once it did, I understood that doing something —anything—for the wrong reasons would have bad results. Bad results for myself and bad results for the other person/people. That doesn't mean I never do things I prefer not to do. It means, if I have a choice, I need to choose that which works for me. Because what happens when we choose to do those things we absolutely don't want to do and don't have to do? We do them because we think it's the right thing to do. It's what Mom would want. It's what Jesus would do. It'll make him/her happy. All of those reactions are outside of our purview, our control. Do we really know Mom would want us to do XYZ? What if we do it and she/he isn't happy? The right thing to do on what basis, whose basis? We can't control the reaction others will have to our decisions. The only reaction and the only action we CAN control is our own. 

    And so the next time I had a choice to make, and I felt internal strife bubble up, I asked myself, WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?  

For example, my father asked if I was coming up for a holiday, which would be a five-six hour drive one-way. 

My decision process: 

• Do I want to see him? Yes. 
• Do I want my children to see him? Yes. 
• Do I want to drive 12 hours, round-trip? No. 
• Do I want to spend over $150 on a hotel? No. 
• Do I want to spend $100+ on gas? No. 
• Will I be angry if I go? Maybe. 👈[That should be a definite, NO, if I was to drive there.]

ANSWER: "No, I can't drive up. Would love to see you and spend time with you, but maybe another time." 

Learn from my mistake(s). Check how you feel about your decision before you make it. Decide based on your life, your needs, your wants. Of course, there will be times you must do something you don't want to do. That's life. Going to class✔ Paying rent✔ Paying your taxes✔ etc... But many other events in our lives are choices. And sometimes those choices are done because we know it's the right thing to do, want to do, and will be proud of ourselves for following through. And sometimes we may make a choice we think was right, but then feel the weight of the consequences and the shame. That's all right. Learn from it. Apologize if you need to. Then, move on and don't make that mistake again. Either way, they are your choices.

Cheers!

 

 

New Way To Meditate?

 

Woman image by Kellepics @Pixabay

Beginning |  21st Century Meditation |  Benefits | How to

My Beginnings

I used to think that meditation was for monks, new age gurus, and martial artists, until I found a forum where I discovered that this practice is for everyone. Images of limber, slender, yoga masters came to mind, sitting cross-legged, with their thumbs and middle fingers touching. Once I realized, I didn't need to sit in any particular position or do anything with my hands, if I didn't wish it, I began my journey. 

    My meditation journey has come in starts and stops. It began at least a decade ago and probably laid dormant for half of that timeframe. Somewhere in the back of my mind, that little voice said, "You should really meditate again." And my naysayer would answer, "Yeah, yeah, I know."     

21st Century Meditation?

So, imagine my surprise when I was browsing the pc games on Steam's summer sale -- always a dangerous thing for your bank account -- when I came across this lovely little program called, Playne. It teaches you how to meditate (although you really don't need a teacher, just persistence) and encourages you through "in-game rewards" to return to continue your journey. 

    A cute red fox, Sensei Fox, instructs you on how to begin. He is there in the game should you have questions or need inspiration or encouragement. As you return each day to meditate you are rewarded by leveling up. Leveling up grows your world, your Playne. For instance, I leveled to a whopping level 1! Yes, thank you, I'm a pro now. 🤣 I can access a different "scene" in which to meditate: the wind. When I reach level 2, I may see fireflies in Playne. 

    One tool that this program offers is a timer that gently alerts you when your meditation is ending. You can choose from a variety of chimes, bells, and a gong. They are soft, which is superbly helpful. Since the goal of meditation is to quiet your mind, thoughts WILL pop up during your attempts. 

    In Playne, you can choose to use your mouse/keyboard to indicate when you recognize a thought invading your silence. I haven't decided whether to continue this practice, as personally, I find the clicking itself prompts a whole slew of thoughts. [e.g. I imagine my husband coming down the stairs to interrupt my meditation *click* I clicked the mouse *click* I heard the noise made by the mouse *click* Should I keep using this mouse *click* Dangit *click* You get the idea 😆] Before I know it, I'm up to over 100 thoughts in 15 minutes. Now, it is useful to get you to pay attention to your thoughts, because we have them all the time and rarely hear them playing in the background. So, that is good. Yet, when I meditated previously, I found gently reminding myself to, "Let it go", was more productive. You don't have to use the "thoughts" counter, it's there if you like it. 

    I react positively to reward and I love technology. When I get that achievement in Skyrim or The Hunter: Call of the Wild game, it gives me a little serotonin boost. Therefore, I suspect Sensei Fox and the rewards he offers by consecutively using Playne to meditate might work for me — and you too if you enjoy gaming and rewards!

Benefits of Meditation 

But why meditate at all? Sitting around trying to quiet your mind seems silly. Well, meditation has physical and mental benefits and costs $0 to do. You don't need a guide. That's baloney! You can use one if that's your thing. You don't need special incense or positions or equipment. All that is fluff — And fine if you want to use them. Playne isn't necessary either, but, if it is the tool that gets you to try and then sustain a meditation practice, then wonderful! And here are some of the benefits you might experience: 

• Reduced Stress
• Enhanced memory
• Increased attention
• Improved willpower (better able to resist bad habits)
• Better sleep (Personal experience with this one)
• Less pain (I can personally attest to this!)
• Lower Blood Pressure
• Less anxiety (less stress = less anxiety)
• Less depression
• Greater compassion
• I would add - greater patience

    Every single day for the last — oh, ten plus years — I wake in pain and go to bed in pain. I fixed it with diet for a while, but then reverted to bad eating habits. However, for the last three days that I've meditated my pain is all but gone. It doesn't currently last all day, but it is gone for many hours and upon waking. Of course, correlation isn't causation, however, if the trend continues, and my results are reproducible, I will say the meditation is most likely the cause of my improved pain level. 

    If you'd like to try Playne on Steam, it's around $14.99 (US). I got it on sale and it was around $11 (US), I think. You don't need it to meditate. All you need is this: PATIENCE and PERSISTENCE.

How To 

How do I meditate, then?

• Sit or lie down some place comfortable and preferably quiet. Outdoors if fine if the environment doesn't distract you. 
• You can use headphones or not. Play music without words. I think words will cause you to naturally think more. Binaural beats are very helpful during meditation but aren't necessary. You can find them on Spotify or YouTube or download them on Amazon or elsewhere.
• Set a gentle timer to prompt you when you'd like to stop meditating that way you won't need to worry. (Whether 5, 10, 20, 60 minutes, it doesn't matter. Whatever works for you.)
• Close your eyes, although some manage to meditate with their eyes open. I wouldn't recommend it for a beginner.
• You can either listen to the music or ambiance (ocean, stream, rain, jungle etc.) or pay attention to your breath. 
• You will think and that's natural. When a thought occurs, acknowledge it, and let it go. Redirect your attention to the music or your breath. If you daydream, same applies. Simply refocus your attention. 
• Repeat this until your timer goes off. 

    That's it!

    As you become more proficient, you may want to increase your meditation time. Most likely you'll find your thoughts become fewer and far between until eventually you'll be in silence. And that my friends, is magical. You'll understand why when you arrive.

    Happy journey!