A Sign From Heaven?

Image by: MiniMe-70

As I sat in the passenger seat of our Camry, directly behind my mom's hearse, I sobbed. Her casket lay nestled in the back of the black vehicle, and I stared at it through the small, rectangular window. Flowers, arranged atop the lid of her final resting place in shades of serene pinks and peach contrasted my dreary, tense mood. 

       She was gone. 

    For many decades she'd battled several autoimmune diseases, each one seeming to spur on a new illness or symptom. From Lupus to Rheumatoid Arthritis to Ulcerative Colitis, they all took bits and pieces of her until nothing was left. In the end, it was Ulcerative Colitis that probably caused the cancer, which ravaged her body, reducing her to no more than 70lbs (31.75Kilos). 

    She'd been in and out of hospitals since diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer. For many of those stays, I'd managed to be with her. The last five years of her life had been, what seemed to be, one battle after another. Even though she'd been in pain, frustrated with her ostomy bag, and exhausted, she was never ready to die. Not like the preacher — who didn't know her — told the congregation at her funeral. She didn't know where she was going. She didn't want to leave Earth, West Virginia, or the people she cared about. So, she'd fought tooth and nail to live. And when my Uncle asked me as she lay on her deathbed, if "we'd" have this to do over again wouldn't it have been better maybe not to have her go through all of "this"? My answer was terse, "No."    

    He didn't know her either. 

    Everything she did was her choice. And when you are faced with death, not everyone wants to give up. Some do. That's their choice from their specific situation. But my mom didn't want to leave. And the Preacher's lies, meant to comfort the bereaved, rang in my ears as I stared at her coffin...

    —When something on top of the hearse caught my eye. I glanced at the movement as two doves landed on the hearse. I sucked in a sharp breath. 

    "Russ," I asked my husband, "do you see that?" Because I thought maybe my head was playing tricks on me. Maybe I was hallucinating. But I wasn't. The two doves walked around for a little bit on the roof of the vehicle and then, as if they'd fulfilled their purpose, they took flight. If I'd been one car back, or had turned my head left or right, I'd have missed them. 

    Thanks, Mom, I thought. 

    But my logical brain has always thrown doubt on that moment. Had the funeral home rented doves and trained them to land on the hearse? Yeah, I actually considered that. However, I didn't see anyone bring out doves. They weren't white doves but rather Mourning Doves. And they flew away after a few seconds. If the funeral home had put in the effort and money to "comfort" the bereaved, wouldn't they want to make sure we actually saw the birds? Was it simple coincidence that two doves would land on top of my mother's hearse just before we headed to the church? And if that were the only thing that occurred that day, I could brush it aside. Yet, it was only the first. 

I still love you, Mom. And I miss you. 🕊🤟  

In loving memory: Sept 1948-Aug 2012 💔

Flight of the Hummingbirds!

 Bird watching!

Toxic

When my mother was diagnosed with stage IV cancer, I took her into my home, which I knew was probably a bad idea, but my drive to be good and seen as someone she valued, drove most of that decision — and because I was coming to terms with the fact that she was going to die my thoughts were even more clouded than usual. Also, I believed spending time with her grandchildren would be good for her and for them.

    At the time, my husband and I shared the responsibility of driving our daughter to a school for children who had learning challenges. It was a three hour roundtrip. He had a fulltime job as a professor. I had another child to care for and now my mother and her two dogs. I drove my daughter three days a week, an hour and a half each way, and my husband drove two days a week. We also had to work in picking our son up at the end of his day because the school didn't offer busing. 

    Our lives were barely managed chaos.

    In that already stressful setting, came my mother, the woman who I'd felt like nothing more than a burden and inconvenience to all of my life. To say my judgment was unsound in taking her in, was an understatement. And I know it was my decision.

    From almost the beginning, there was tension. We had a cat and she insisted on bringing her two dogs. The stipulation was she keep them crated at night in our guestroom where she stayed. It was a nice guestroom: double bed, bathroom right outside her door, very large (had a sitting area) where she put the crate for her dogs, a couch, lots of bookshelves. But she didn't crate them. And they pee'd and pooped on our carpet. She left it there as she was sick. She also had accidents with her ostomy bag (I don't fault her for this, it is an account of what happened) which also ended up on our floor. I had dinner to  make. Laundry to clean. Children to bathe. Children to transport to and from all the events they still did. And our cat. 

    Often, my mom didn't like the food I made. She commented on it. Didn't eat it. Lashed out at me. Blamed me. If she had explained what helped her, made her feel better or was easier to eat, I'd have cooked it. But that was never how my mother was, and why I thought she'd be different in pain and terrified of dying is now beyond my comprehension and was stupid at the time. 

    One particularly bad day that haunts me occurred after my mother got ill and I had to rush her to the Cancer Center. She was pissed that I took her. As she lay on the cart, she blamed me for her condition at that time. I think I blocked exactly what she'd said out because it damaged me. Horribly. When I came home, my husband was there, and I lost it. Stammering, bawling, deep guttural sobs poured out of me as I questioned why she would say that, how nothing I ever did was good enough. How at every turn she always criticized me. And that put the nail in the coffin for my mother staying in our home. My husband, who'd been sleeping in the basement, because he'd always gone to the guestroom when I snored him out, was over it. 

    So, a few weeks before Christmas -- God this still hurts to think about -- my mother made some comment about my husband being mean. On top of the dogs, my hysterical outburst, her inability to hold her tongue, my naivete in inviting her in the first place, it all came crumbling down. He snapped. He said, "Then, maybe it's time we set up a time for you to go home." She shouldn't have said it. He'd opened his house to her with dogs he couldn't stand as they defecated on his new carpet, forcing both him and me to walk them without a thank you. And now she'd insulted him. He shouldn't have said it. Here's a woman who was struggling with her own mortality, in pain, sad, and probably feeling alone and useless. Sending her home to go through this alone was a punishment. The two people I loved had been locked in a pressure cooker that I'd put them in, and the lid had just exploded. 

    We had an early Christmas and then drove her back to her retirement community. She broke down hysterically as we prepared to leave. The retirement community had failed to put her room back in order and it was one more thing that she saw going horribly wrong in her life. I broke down, but her friend told me and my husband to go. So, we did. 

    I made more trips to see her between Jan and August that year. In July, I left my husband and two kids behind to live with my mom in hospice until she died on August 6, 2012. I watched her go from barely over 100lbs to below 60lbs. I watched her deteriorate from talking and laughing to the time when speech leaves all of us before death. And I watched her plead with her eyes because she could no longer speak, for me to help her. But as the death rattle filled her room, I sat by her side, holding her wrist because she couldn't grasp my hand and that bothered me. She stared off, fixed into space until her gaze glided to the ceiling above my brother at the foot of her bed and over me at the side of her bed. Then, her pulse stopped forever. But before she left this world, she'd gotten one more jab in. She told my brother that he'd always been her favorite as I stood in the same room next to them both. 

What's it Like to Have an STE?

From my new YouTube channel, Elaborate Disguise, my spiritually transformative experience:

Epiphany

Image by Ulleo

Life as an adult is all about the choices you make. While I intuitively understood this to be true, seventeen years ago, I hadn't taken it to heart. Until one year, my husband's parents invited us once again to a vacation in Canada. I loved going to Ontario, hiking in Algonquin Park, showing my kids around Combermere, and relaxing near a gorgeous lake. 

    However, that year my sister-in-law and her husband were coming. That wasn't an issue in and of itself. The issue, I later discovered, was my reaction to them being there. I've always been a people pleaser. I want people to like me and in trying to worm my way into their hearts I'll bend over backwards sometimes to please them. They may not see my efforts, but in my mind, I was going out of my way to show them I cared.

    I had two children under age six. A husband that wanted to fish with his dad, leaving me alone with my in-laws and my babies. First issue, our family of four was put in the smallest cabin with no fans. The thought was we would want to have privacy. However, my kids were hot. I was hot. They didn't sleep. I didn't sleep. And all the grown ups were in the larger cabin where all the box fans were. [Eventually, they did get us a box fan.] 

    Because no one wanted to cook the entire week — and shouldn't have to — we decided to take turns. Enter problem #2. Two of the grown ups were vegetarians. Vegetarians that didn't bend. All other members of the family, my mother and father-in-law, my husband, both my kids, and myself were typical omnivores. That meant, as I understood it, every meal we would have wouldn't have meat. And I would need to cook something the vegetarians liked. My first and largest mistake. 

    All week I fretted about what I could make for them — the two, forty-something adults. Should I marinate portabella mushrooms and grill them? Maybe a nice spaghetti with marinara? Or perhaps I could... and that is how I spent my vacation. Do you know what happens when you focus on a task and a task that you aren't looking forward to doing? That's right. You get angry. You get stressed.

    When it came time for us to buy what we needed to make dinner, my husband and I drove into Combermere and all the way there I mulled over what we should buy for them. The more I pondered the options, the angrier I got. It all became too complicated. In the tiny grocery store, I stormed through the aisles looking at salad, mushrooms, and then pasta, and then pizza, and then veggie burgers. I wound myself into a tight tizzy and when we got into the car...I exploded.

    All the frustration I'd created and bottled up tumbled out of my mouth. "Why aren't they cooking their own meals? They're adults! We have two children and is anyone catering them? Is anyone making sure they will enjoy dinner? No! No one—" And that's when it hit me!

    Who was responsible for making sure my kids had something they liked to eat? Where should my focus be? Who told me I had to cater to two adult vegetarians? All I was asked to do was to make dinner for two nights. Why was I going out of my way to try to impress two adults that had no intention of making it easy on anyone else? Scratch that. Why was I trying to impress anyone? 

    Because I chose to. Period. Full stop. No one made me. No one said I must. Through my own volition, I decided to ignore my children and focus on two adults. 

NEW PLAN!

Back to the store! We bought hamburgers and hot dogs for all of the omnivores! My kids both loved those and so did my meat-eating in-laws. Veggie burgers for the vegetarians. French Fries and a green veggie as sides or maybe some watermelon, which everyone liked. 

    The moment I made the choice to focus on my kids and myself and not put self-imposed pressure to receive approval from my sister and brother-in-law, the stress vanished. It was as if worrying about whether they'd like what I cooked blocked me from seeing solutions that could accommodate everyone. 

    This epiphany took years to take hold, but once it did, I understood that doing something —anything—for the wrong reasons would have bad results. Bad results for myself and bad results for the other person/people. That doesn't mean I never do things I prefer not to do. It means, if I have a choice, I need to choose that which works for me. Because what happens when we choose to do those things we absolutely don't want to do and don't have to do? We do them because we think it's the right thing to do. It's what Mom would want. It's what Jesus would do. It'll make him/her happy. All of those reactions are outside of our purview, our control. Do we really know Mom would want us to do XYZ? What if we do it and she/he isn't happy? The right thing to do on what basis, whose basis? We can't control the reaction others will have to our decisions. The only reaction and the only action we CAN control is our own. 

    And so the next time I had a choice to make, and I felt internal strife bubble up, I asked myself, WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?  

For example, my father asked if I was coming up for a holiday, which would be a five-six hour drive one-way. 

My decision process: 

• Do I want to see him? Yes. 
• Do I want my children to see him? Yes. 
• Do I want to drive 12 hours, round-trip? No. 
• Do I want to spend over $150 on a hotel? No. 
• Do I want to spend $100+ on gas? No. 
• Will I be angry if I go? Maybe. 👈[That should be a definite, NO, if I was to drive there.]

ANSWER: "No, I can't drive up. Would love to see you and spend time with you, but maybe another time." 

Learn from my mistake(s). Check how you feel about your decision before you make it. Decide based on your life, your needs, your wants. Of course, there will be times you must do something you don't want to do. That's life. Going to class✔ Paying rent✔ Paying your taxes✔ etc... But many other events in our lives are choices. And sometimes those choices are done because we know it's the right thing to do, want to do, and will be proud of ourselves for following through. And sometimes we may make a choice we think was right, but then feel the weight of the consequences and the shame. That's all right. Learn from it. Apologize if you need to. Then, move on and don't make that mistake again. Either way, they are your choices.

Cheers!

 

 

New Way To Meditate?

 

Woman image by Kellepics @Pixabay

Beginning |  21st Century Meditation |  Benefits | How to

My Beginnings

I used to think that meditation was for monks, new age gurus, and martial artists, until I found a forum where I discovered that this practice is for everyone. Images of limber, slender, yoga masters came to mind, sitting cross-legged, with their thumbs and middle fingers touching. Once I realized, I didn't need to sit in any particular position or do anything with my hands, if I didn't wish it, I began my journey. 

    My meditation journey has come in starts and stops. It began at least a decade ago and probably laid dormant for half of that timeframe. Somewhere in the back of my mind, that little voice said, "You should really meditate again." And my naysayer would answer, "Yeah, yeah, I know."     

21st Century Meditation?

So, imagine my surprise when I was browsing the pc games on Steam's summer sale -- always a dangerous thing for your bank account -- when I came across this lovely little program called, Playne. It teaches you how to meditate (although you really don't need a teacher, just persistence) and encourages you through "in-game rewards" to return to continue your journey. 

    A cute red fox, Sensei Fox, instructs you on how to begin. He is there in the game should you have questions or need inspiration or encouragement. As you return each day to meditate you are rewarded by leveling up. Leveling up grows your world, your Playne. For instance, I leveled to a whopping level 1! Yes, thank you, I'm a pro now. 🤣 I can access a different "scene" in which to meditate: the wind. When I reach level 2, I may see fireflies in Playne. 

    One tool that this program offers is a timer that gently alerts you when your meditation is ending. You can choose from a variety of chimes, bells, and a gong. They are soft, which is superbly helpful. Since the goal of meditation is to quiet your mind, thoughts WILL pop up during your attempts. 

    In Playne, you can choose to use your mouse/keyboard to indicate when you recognize a thought invading your silence. I haven't decided whether to continue this practice, as personally, I find the clicking itself prompts a whole slew of thoughts. [e.g. I imagine my husband coming down the stairs to interrupt my meditation *click* I clicked the mouse *click* I heard the noise made by the mouse *click* Should I keep using this mouse *click* Dangit *click* You get the idea 😆] Before I know it, I'm up to over 100 thoughts in 15 minutes. Now, it is useful to get you to pay attention to your thoughts, because we have them all the time and rarely hear them playing in the background. So, that is good. Yet, when I meditated previously, I found gently reminding myself to, "Let it go", was more productive. You don't have to use the "thoughts" counter, it's there if you like it. 

    I react positively to reward and I love technology. When I get that achievement in Skyrim or The Hunter: Call of the Wild game, it gives me a little serotonin boost. Therefore, I suspect Sensei Fox and the rewards he offers by consecutively using Playne to meditate might work for me — and you too if you enjoy gaming and rewards!

Benefits of Meditation 

But why meditate at all? Sitting around trying to quiet your mind seems silly. Well, meditation has physical and mental benefits and costs $0 to do. You don't need a guide. That's baloney! You can use one if that's your thing. You don't need special incense or positions or equipment. All that is fluff — And fine if you want to use them. Playne isn't necessary either, but, if it is the tool that gets you to try and then sustain a meditation practice, then wonderful! And here are some of the benefits you might experience: 

• Reduced Stress
• Enhanced memory
• Increased attention
• Improved willpower (better able to resist bad habits)
• Better sleep (Personal experience with this one)
• Less pain (I can personally attest to this!)
• Lower Blood Pressure
• Less anxiety (less stress = less anxiety)
• Less depression
• Greater compassion
• I would add - greater patience

    Every single day for the last — oh, ten plus years — I wake in pain and go to bed in pain. I fixed it with diet for a while, but then reverted to bad eating habits. However, for the last three days that I've meditated my pain is all but gone. It doesn't currently last all day, but it is gone for many hours and upon waking. Of course, correlation isn't causation, however, if the trend continues, and my results are reproducible, I will say the meditation is most likely the cause of my improved pain level. 

    If you'd like to try Playne on Steam, it's around $14.99 (US). I got it on sale and it was around $11 (US), I think. You don't need it to meditate. All you need is this: PATIENCE and PERSISTENCE.

How To 

How do I meditate, then?

• Sit or lie down some place comfortable and preferably quiet. Outdoors if fine if the environment doesn't distract you. 
• You can use headphones or not. Play music without words. I think words will cause you to naturally think more. Binaural beats are very helpful during meditation but aren't necessary. You can find them on Spotify or YouTube or download them on Amazon or elsewhere.
• Set a gentle timer to prompt you when you'd like to stop meditating that way you won't need to worry. (Whether 5, 10, 20, 60 minutes, it doesn't matter. Whatever works for you.)
• Close your eyes, although some manage to meditate with their eyes open. I wouldn't recommend it for a beginner.
• You can either listen to the music or ambiance (ocean, stream, rain, jungle etc.) or pay attention to your breath. 
• You will think and that's natural. When a thought occurs, acknowledge it, and let it go. Redirect your attention to the music or your breath. If you daydream, same applies. Simply refocus your attention. 
• Repeat this until your timer goes off. 

    That's it!

    As you become more proficient, you may want to increase your meditation time. Most likely you'll find your thoughts become fewer and far between until eventually you'll be in silence. And that my friends, is magical. You'll understand why when you arrive.

    Happy journey!

Thoughts on my Birthday

 

Unlike other special days, a birthday, at least in the states, is the celebration that you, specifically you, were born! When we celebrate your birthday, we do it because we're glad you are here, in our lives, and care about you. It's the only day that is all about YOU! Christmas and Thanksgiving are wonderful, but they are for everyone who chooses to honor these holidays. So, on my birthday, I'd like offer my gratitude for being born and offer others hints of how to make someone in your life feel cherished on their birthday. 

🎈🎂🎁🎉🎶

I have much to be grateful for on the anniversary of my birth! 

• I have good health.
• A loving 💖 family
• Roof over my head 🏡
• My cat, 🐈who's 19, is still in pretty good health and still with me!
• My father is still with me!
• My children both have jobs.
• I have the truck of my dreams [Toyota Tundra-Midnight Black] 
• 3 square meals a day if I want them
• I live in a free country 
• Good health insurance
• Husband has a good paying job
• Watch birds from my window
• I woke up today
• I can see
• I breathe well
• I have two working arms and two working legs

So, on my birthday, here's unsolicited advice on how to make someone's birthday happy:

1. Remember it! Most people really just want to matter and be loved. They don't need gifts or parties, but having the people you care about remember you, means everything. 
2. Contact them! Call them, email them, text them, visit them, send them a card wishing them a happy birthday! The only way a person knows you remembered, is if you contact them in some way. 
3. Plan ahead - no matter what it is you do- get the card to them on time or early, pick out that special gift, if you want to buy one, make that special meal you know they love. Planning means you not only remembered them, but they weren't an afterthought. Of course, we all forget sometimes.

If you want to go the extra mile, and make their birthday special, here's my two cents:

1. All the steps above, plus
2. Consider doing their chores
3. Cook them a favorite meal and then clean up
4. Make their favorite dessert
5. Throw a small (or big - if you know a lot of people and they like to have a lot of people around) party
6. Spend the day with them doing something you know they love to do
7. Take them out to their favorite restaurant
8. Make an, I Love You Because gift. (find or make a small container, like a heart-shaped box, and write on small pieces of paper that will fit in the box why you love this person)
9. Make them something...a knitted hat, draw a picture, paint a picture, play music you know they love, write a poem for them, make them a card.
10. But most of all - Remember them.

Happy Birthday to, me! 😜💋